It’s not in the least surprising that we try to keep very painful facts about our own inadequacy and failure at bay. The issue is how one might slowly evolve away from self-pity and here the answer is, always, only through an atmosphere of supportiveness and gentleness. Very few of us ever improve our characters by being shouted at. Self-pity is wisely addressed not by condemnation but by the kind suggestion of better perspective and fair criticism: perhaps one did do something a little wrong, perhaps this won’t seem like such a problem, tomorrow morning… If this can be taken on board, then the need to ward off failure or to avoid responsibility is lessened. Self-pity no longer feels required. We learn through reassurance, not bracing reproof – however precise the condemnation may be.